YOU may be old. I'M not

Please don’t e-mail me jokes or cartoons about getting older or being a senior citizen.  I am not old.  If I see the words “old” or “senior” in your subject line, I’m deleting it.

“Come on!” you say, “Just look at the picture on your drivers license!  Tell me that what you see is not the perfect portrait of a typical dirty old man!”

Hey now hold on there a minute buddy!  I may be agreeably “dirty” but again, I am not old.  Yes, I may look old to you and I do admit that when I look at my drivers’ license I see someone who might be physically described as a youngish geezer.  But trust me when I say this:  what you are looking at is just an illusion, a mirage, a trick of your imagination.  You are not seeing me.  You’re just seeing my ride.

“Oh just grow up!”  you say, arms wheeling above your head in exasperation.

Grow up?  Please.  What does “grown up” mean to you?  Realistic?  Experienced?  Kind? Wise?  Worldly?  Knowledgeable?  I am all of those things… sometimes.  But by “growing up” I think many people mean something else entirely.  When you were young how did some of those “adults” appear to you?  Sit back and think about it for a few minutes.  What words would you use to describe a good many of them?  How about these:  Disillusioned.  Skeptical.  Resentful.  Envious.  Miserly.  Intolerant.  Sour.  If these words describe an “adult” please leave me out.  Do you want to be one of them?

Now I see your temperature rising:  “What about your body?  Can’t you see that physically you are deteriorating?  As it is I have to speak to you in a loud voice and hope you are reading my lips because your hearing sucks!  And if I ride in a car with you for a couple of hours you complain that your butt hurts and you creak and groan when you get out!   I find these things annoying.  In fact, YOU are annoying!  BALD ASSHOLE!”

Whoa!  Chill-out dude!  Now who’s the old fart?  Of course I know my body is starting to fall apart.  Everything organic comes into being, changes, breaks down, turns to dust.  It’s the way of this world.  Everything is either growing or dissolving and nothing is ever the same from moment to moment.  Nothing!  Except for this:  what I am.  Or, perhaps put more succinctly, what I am not.  Comprende?

So go ahead, don’t see people as they really are.  Generalize and label them as “old” if they are graying, using a walker, hard of hearing, vision impaired, limping, stooped.  See yourself as one of “them”.  If you don’t know who you are you will become what you think.  Just don’t try to take me with you by sending me those e-mails.  I’m never growing up and will never be old.  And from now on think of me as a mint 1947 Chevy...Sport Coupe.

***

P.S.  You can send me the really really funny ones though.

1947 Chevy Sport Coupe:  http://www.barrett-jackson.com/application/onlinesubmission/lotdetails.aspx?ln=153&aid=263

© Steve Stewart and SeeNextRock, 2013 Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Steve Stewart and SeeNextRock with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Rant #3

Some things and some people drive me crazy.  Here are three examples:

1.  People who think they are better than you because they are early risers

"What time did you get up today?"  Amazingly, I hear this question often and when I answer they say: "Eight o'clock?  The day is half gone by then!"  No people, it's not.  So I ask them what time they go to bed and I usually hear:  "Oh, about nine...maybe 9:30."  What?  Ridiculous!  You were put to bed that early as a child!  Still hearing mommy and daddy in your head are you?  True, they are going to bed at that time now if they are still around...because they are old!  Are you eating dinner at four thirty too?  "Well" you say sheepishly, "I do get up at 5:00 AM."  You've got to be kidding me!  How is getting up in the dark a good thing?  So you're up early.  Who cares?  If you get up before dawn you're either milking the cow or going to some god-awful job.  Personally, I am rarely asleep before before 1:00 AM.  That's early enough for a civilized person.  You're missing a lot in life you know.  Do you realize that most personal fun happens after the sun goes down?  It does when you're young anyway.  Hey Grandpa:  getting up early doesn't make you better than me.  Face it, there are only three reasons to rise before dawn:  golf, fishing, or that other reason.

2.  Giant dripping sloppy sandwiches from hell

Recently I ordered, in a popular restaurant, a hamburger.  This hamburger had a lot going for it:
a generous portion of perfectly cooked ground beef, a thick slice of good cheddar cheese, ripe tomato, mild onion, apple wood smoked bacon, spicy guacamole, and butter lettuce topped off with a chipotle chili infused sauce.  Delicious.  However, it couldn't be eaten as a sandwich.  It was too thick and sloppy.  A hamburger is supposed to be a sandwich, held in your hands.  I have been accused of having a big mouth when discussing politics but it was not getting around this monstrosity.  That chili infused sauce and guacamole dripped and slopped all over my shirt and pants.  Finally, I gave up and used a knife and fork.  This is just wrong people!  It's an outrage, really!  And please, don't get me started on those colossal deli sandwiches consisting of five inches meat between two slices of bread.  I have to remove four of these inches just to get it between by jaws!  What a waste.  Get real restaurateurs!  Sandwiches were invented so that people could eat conveniently.  No knives, forks or spoons needed.  Here is what Wikipedia says about them:  "Initially perceived as food men shared while gaming and drinking at night, the sandwich slowly began appearing in polite society as a late-night meal among the aristocracy."

Please note the phrase above:  "food men shared while gaming and drinking at night".  Early riser, you missed all the fun because you were in bed already...probably dressed in your "Little Engine That Could" pajamas.  Get a life.  Be a man.  Loser.

3.  People who don't like cats

These are usually dog lovers.  Now don't get me wrong, I do like dogs.  I especially like other peoples dogs.  You see, dogs are lots of work and I don't really want to have a pet that makes me work.  Dogs can't even bathe themselves for gosh sakes, and they're always at your knees looking for attention and slobbering all over your pants!  They are so dependent.  If I had wanted more kids I would have had them.  "Well" you say, "you can't take your cat for a walk."  You are correct.  I can't really do that.  Nor do I want to.  You won't see me with my cat on a leash walking around the block and carrying a little plastic bag of cat shit.  Nope.  And dogs want to lick you all the time too!  This licking wouldn't be so bad but please, your dog just licked his gonads and now he's licking your lips!  It's gross.  Oh, and I've never had a cat hump my leg.  That's a dog thing.  What's wrong with you people?  Weirdos.

4.  People who don't think farts are funny

Come on.  They're hilarious!  Here's a good example:  You are well known by your family to be a prodigious farter.  After your gigantic Thanksgiving meal you all move to the den to watch your Cowboys get annihilated by the Forty Niners.  Fido is lying peacefully at your feet.  You squeeze out a silent one.  No one would notice if it had no fragrance but his one does and every head turns your way.  You purse your nose, look down and say in a loud voice:  "Bad dog Fido!"

Tell me that's not funny!  Here's another:  You are meeting a potential business client for the first time.  Something you've eaten earlier in the day though has given you a giant butt-load of gas.  You're desperately trying hold this in.  You stick out your hand and introduce yourself.  The second your hands touch a resounding fart escapes your pants.  This is quite embarrassing for both of you and unfortunately, you just lost this client...forever.  Seriously, if you saw this happen to someone else you would be telling this story to your friends and you'd all be crying and rolling on the floor with laughter.  If you don't think farts are funny then maybe you think bodily functions are "dirty".  My guess is that you don't even think Fidos' farts are funny either.  I don't blame you for that though.  Nothing stinks more than dog farts.

***

As an aside:

My cat Jasper has been training me for years to participate in certain of his rituals and he communicates clearly when he wants something from me or desires to give me some attention.  It's good to be wanted...and loved.  Cats don't love everyone though.  If you want your cat to love you that love must be earned.  Cats are intelligent and sensitive animals with very sharp teeth and claws.  If they see in your eyes that you don't care about their well being they will not be your friends and they will mess you up.  These last few weeks Jasper has been training me to pet him when my alarm goes off before dawn. (8:00 AM of course.)  Jasper is nine years old now but this is new behavior.  When he hears my alarm go off he jumps up on the bed, walks over my body a few times and nuzzles my hand with his head.  If I ignore him he will snub me the rest of the day.  Dogs now, they'll love you no matter what...mostly.  I love this old joke about dogs:

Q:  How can you prove that a dog is truly a man's best friend?  A:  Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.  When you open the trunk, who is happy to see you?

***

Another fun fact from Wikipedia:  "During the Middle Ages in Europe, thick slabs of coarse and usually stale bread, called "trenchers", were used as plates.  After a meal, the food-soaked trencher was fed to a dog or to beggars at the the tables of the wealthy, and eaten by diners in more modest circumstances.  Trenchers were the precursors of open-face sandwiches."

Remember this next time you visit Denmark.

***

References:

Sandwiches:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sandwich

Dog Owners:  

Repeat the below sentence as fast as you can ten times each day after meals:

Fidos' farts are funny.

***

© Steve Stewart and SeeNextRock, 2013 Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Steve Stewart and SeeNextRock with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Beautiful Bush

I found myself staring at a bush a few nights ago while sitting in the outside dining area of our local Thai restaurant.  Stars glittered above, palm trees swayed in gentle breeze, a large white duck preened in a gurgling brook.  But I was focused on this bush.  I don’t know why.  It wasn’t in my direct line of vision and it wasn’t particularly attractive.  It was just your typical boring patch of greenery nestled between two leggy cement paths.  But as I sat there I wondered:  How much bigger would it get?  If it encroached over those legs of cement, would the gardener do a little trimming?  Did it like living close to that chemically infused imitation stream?  Did it enjoy smelling Tom Kha Gai Soup and Massaman Curry every day or would it really prefer Italian?  Other than to convert CO2 to oxygen for me what purpose could it possibly have?  Where did its' motivation to live come from?  I went through a huge bottle of beer thinking about it before moving on to my next thunderous bullet train of thought:  my jade plant.  Now THIS is a beautiful bush:

I call this “my” jade plant because I bought her when I was in college and she’s been with me for almost 45 years.  Her role in our relationship is to inject a little beauty into my life.  My role is to make sure she stays alive and healthy as she endures the bondage and discipline I impose upon her being. You see, I make her live in a pot.  That way I can keep her with me when I move…which is often.  I won’t free her to the earth…not yet.  

We've been through a lifetime of change together, she and I:  I've shrunk about half an inch in height.  She used to five inches tall.  I've gained a few pounds.  She's become humongous.  I want to keep growing, mentally anyway, and she keeps getting bigger and bushier.  I’m a father of two. She has a dozen or more offspring.  My jade is brittle and when she loses a branch I just stick it in a pot or in the ground and a new jade is born. Every time I move her, an unsolicited amputation begets a new relative.

My train of thought derails here:  Is this new relative really her offspring or is this just her in a new location?   Can two be one?  If she dies in her pot, will she essentially live on as this other plant?  If this process keeps repeating, could my precious jade achieve immortality?

***

Please excuse my anthropomorphism.   It’s just a ruse.

Do plants think, see, smell, or feel?  Read this:

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=do-plants-think-daniel-chamovitz

***

© Steve Stewart and SeeNextRock, 2013 Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Steve Stewart and SeeNextRock with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Scum Ball

I live, as do many of you, on a planet we call Earth.  Earth is a wonderful place to live.  However, when you think about it, it's a pretty weird place to live too.  Consider these few examples:

1.  Our planet's circumference at the equator is 24,901.55 miles and its' diameter is 7,899.8 miles...less if you measure through the poles as the Earth is not perfectly round.  These seem like big numbers but  how big is a mile really?  We've imagined a distance and assigned a number to it.  I think we can cross off distance as a universal truth.  Anyway, if you compare our planet to the "known" universe we're living on a tiny speck of rock that has a creamy molten center- kind of like lava cake but not as chocolatey.  The true size of the universe is something I've never been able to get my mind around.  Some people think the universe is shaped like a figure 8.  It just wraps around itself.  OK, what's outside this figure 8 then?  If you know, please tell me.  As an aside, Mel Brooks once said that 13 out of 19 people revolve around the sun.  Sounds reasonable. (1)

2.  The highest point on Earth is the top of Mt. Everest at 29,035 feet.  The lowest place on Earth is at the Dead Sea: 1,369 feet below sea level.  Human Beings don't do very well at these extremes though.  Generally, we thrive between sea level and 6-8,000 feet.  8,000 feet is only about 1 1/2 miles.  Think about what landmark is 1 1/2 miles from where you are at this moment.  For me, it's about as far as the nearest cheeseburger from McDonalds.  I could walk there in 20 minutes or so if I wasn't so lazy.  Our livable space then is shockingly thin...as thin as the skin on that sweet Walla Walla onion you're peeling to chop up for tonight's salsa. (2)

3.  We are surrounded by other living things we call "plants".  The tallest plant we have on this planet is a coastal redwood named The Mendocino in Ukiah, California.  It's 367.5 feet tall...a little bigger than a football field if you include the end zones.  The smallest plants in the world are Duckweeds.  They measure 300 by 600 micrometers and weigh only 150 micrograms.  They float on or just beneath the surface of fresh water ponds.  Put a lot of Duckweed plants together and you have what you might call scum.

4.  When you are in a passenger jet flying from SF to NYC what is your altitude?  Let's just say, on average, around 30,000 feet.  When you're that high and you look straight down what do you see?  You see varying shades of green and brown.  On a hazy day it looks kind of scummy and moldy.   People don't even look like ants from that height.  We're too small to see.

So here we are.  Tiny beings living on a scummy rock spinning around a giant white hot ball of flame.  Just saying...fellow scum people.

* * *

(1)  From the recording:  The Two Thousand Year Old Man by Mel Brooks and Carl Reiner

(2)  Fresh Salsa Recipe:  chop these ingredients to your size preference and combine in a large bowl:

One medium sized onion, two medium sized tomatoes, one bunch of cilantro, and 2-3 Serrano peppers. Don't bother cleaning out the seeds- you won't notice them.  Add a pinch of salt and lime juice to taste.  I usually use one lime.  That's it...delicious and spicy hot...scooped up with warmed tortilla chips...a taste you had long ago at your favorite Mexican oceanfront resort before you were afraid to travel there.  A small table on the sand at sunset, a canopy of palm fronds waving overhead in a gentle breeze, the pounding surf, a cold cerveza......perfect.

© Steve Stewart and SeeNextRock, 2013 Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Steve Stewart and SeeNextRock with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.