1. People who think they are better than you because they are early risers
"What time did you get up today?" Amazingly, I hear this question often and when I answer they say: "Eight o'clock? The day is half gone by then!" No people, it's not. So I ask them what time they go to bed and I usually hear: "Oh, about nine...maybe 9:30." What? Ridiculous! You were put to bed that early as a child! Still hearing mommy and daddy in your head are you? True, they are going to bed at that time now if they are still around...because they are old! Are you eating dinner at four thirty too? "Well" you say sheepishly, "I do get up at 5:00 AM." You've got to be kidding me! How is getting up in the dark a good thing? So you're up early. Who cares? If you get up before dawn you're either milking the cow or going to some god-awful job. Personally, I am rarely asleep before before 1:00 AM. That's early enough for a civilized person. You're missing a lot in life you know. Do you realize that most personal fun happens after the sun goes down? It does when you're young anyway. Hey Grandpa: getting up early doesn't make you better than me. Face it, there are only three reasons to rise before dawn: golf, fishing, or that other reason.
2. Giant dripping sloppy sandwiches from hell
Recently I ordered, in a popular restaurant, a hamburger. This hamburger had a lot going for it:
a generous portion of perfectly cooked ground beef, a thick slice of good cheddar cheese, ripe tomato, mild onion, apple wood smoked bacon, spicy guacamole, and butter lettuce topped off with a chipotle chili infused sauce. Delicious. However, it couldn't be eaten as a sandwich. It was too thick and sloppy. A hamburger is supposed to be a sandwich, held in your hands. I have been accused of having a big mouth when discussing politics but it was not getting around this monstrosity. That chili infused sauce and guacamole dripped and slopped all over my shirt and pants. Finally, I gave up and used a knife and fork. This is just wrong people! It's an outrage, really! And please, don't get me started on those colossal deli sandwiches consisting of five inches meat between two slices of bread. I have to remove four of these inches just to get it between by jaws! What a waste. Get real restaurateurs! Sandwiches were invented so that people could eat conveniently. No knives, forks or spoons needed. Here is what Wikipedia says about them: "Initially perceived as food men shared while gaming and drinking at night, the sandwich slowly began appearing in polite society as a late-night meal among the aristocracy."
Please note the phrase above: "food men shared while gaming and drinking at night". Early riser, you missed all the fun because you were in bed already...probably dressed in your "Little Engine That Could" pajamas. Get a life. Be a man. Loser.
3. People who don't like cats
These are usually dog lovers. Now don't get me wrong, I do like dogs. I especially like other peoples dogs. You see, dogs are lots of work and I don't really want to have a pet that makes me work. Dogs can't even bathe themselves for gosh sakes, and they're always at your knees looking for attention and slobbering all over your pants! They are so dependent. If I had wanted more kids I would have had them. "Well" you say, "you can't take your cat for a walk." You are correct. I can't really do that. Nor do I want to. You won't see me with my cat on a leash walking around the block and carrying a little plastic bag of cat shit. Nope. And dogs want to lick you all the time too! This licking wouldn't be so bad but please, your dog just licked his gonads and now he's licking your lips! It's gross. Oh, and I've never had a cat hump my leg. That's a dog thing. What's wrong with you people? Weirdos.
4. People who don't think farts are funny
Come on. They're hilarious! Here's a good example: You are well known by your family to be a prodigious farter. After your gigantic Thanksgiving meal you all move to the den to watch your Cowboys get annihilated by the Forty Niners. Fido is lying peacefully at your feet. You squeeze out a silent one. No one would notice if it had no fragrance but his one does and every head turns your way. You purse your nose, look down and say in a loud voice: "Bad dog Fido!"
Tell me that's not funny! Here's another: You are meeting a potential business client for the first time. Something you've eaten earlier in the day though has given you a giant butt-load of gas. You're desperately trying hold this in. You stick out your hand and introduce yourself. The second your hands touch a resounding fart escapes your pants. This is quite embarrassing for both of you and unfortunately, you just lost this client...forever. Seriously, if you saw this happen to someone else you would be telling this story to your friends and you'd all be crying and rolling on the floor with laughter. If you don't think farts are funny then maybe you think bodily functions are "dirty". My guess is that you don't even think Fidos' farts are funny either. I don't blame you for that though. Nothing stinks more than dog farts.
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As an aside:
My cat Jasper has been training me for years to participate in certain of his rituals and he communicates clearly when he wants something from me or desires to give me some attention. It's good to be wanted...and loved. Cats don't love everyone though. If you want your cat to love you that love must be earned. Cats are intelligent and sensitive animals with very sharp teeth and claws. If they see in your eyes that you don't care about their well being they will not be your friends and they will mess you up. These last few weeks Jasper has been training me to pet him when my alarm goes off before dawn. (8:00 AM of course.) Jasper is nine years old now but this is new behavior. When he hears my alarm go off he jumps up on the bed, walks over my body a few times and nuzzles my hand with his head. If I ignore him he will snub me the rest of the day. Dogs now, they'll love you no matter what...mostly. I love this old joke about dogs:
Q: How can you prove that a dog is truly a man's best friend? A: Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour. When you open the trunk, who is happy to see you?
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Another fun fact from Wikipedia: "During the Middle Ages in Europe, thick slabs of coarse and usually stale bread, called "trenchers", were used as plates. After a meal, the food-soaked trencher was fed to a dog or to beggars at the the tables of the wealthy, and eaten by diners in more modest circumstances. Trenchers were the precursors of open-face sandwiches."
Remember this next time you visit Denmark.
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References:
Sandwiches: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sandwich
Dog Owners:
Repeat the below sentence as fast as you can ten times each day after meals:
Fidos' farts are funny.
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