“Is everything under control buddy?" My father must have asked me this question
thousands of times during his life. I am
not exaggerating. I always knew it was
coming and I always dreaded it-that pit
in my stomach growing. What was he
looking for? Why the probing? Did he really want to know? What will he think of me if I tell him what
is really going on?
Invariably I would say: yes, everything’s under control. Instead of:
Well Dad, I flunked Algebra this semester. Or, My girlfriend broke up with me and I feel
so alone. Or... A cop stopped me last
night for drunk driving…he let me go but it was close. Or...Today I agreed with a racist comment and
I’m ashamed of myself. Or...Yesterday a
friend of mine died of breast cancer…she was only 29. Or...I’m sorry to tell you this Dad but after
only two years my wife and I are getting a divorce. Argh.
I didn’t want to worry him over any unpleasant truths. He worried enough for us all already. Nor, I’m sad to say, did I really want to
share my happiness with him at times. I
just felt there was way too much criticism coming my way whatever I said, and more
questions I didn’t really want to answer, or confront. He seemed to be always so worried about
me. I just didn’t want to deal with it. I didn’t see his twist on reality behind the
question.
My father had a generous portion of happiness in his life as
well as a generous portion of all the problems life can bring. He saw that bad things happened to good people
and they happened to him too. He feared
that some changes were ominous warnings of immanent disaster. He was
always thinking “what if” and trying to gain some control over the possible
result. Impermanence could become
permanent and that was worrisome. He
wanted his family to be safe and happy…always. His
intentions were loving and pure. Mission
impossible.
My father taught me an important lesson here by
accident: I need to see things the way
they are, not how I want them to be, and deal with them from that perspective. I don’t have to “personalize” an unpleasant situation
being experienced by my friends or family.
It’s not me who is having this experience. They are.
I need to look at each situation as it arises more calmly and not just
react. I need to ask myself: what can I do to help? If there’s nothing I can do, maybe just being
there for them is enough. I can
practice more ‘loving-kindness’… towards everyone.
I wish my father were here today. And when he asked me that inevitable question
“Is everything under control buddy?” I
could give him a different answer. I’d
say: I love you too Dad.
© Steve Stewart and See Next Rock,
2013
I miss him.
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