Wow...this is an upper!

I haven't written much lately. In the last couple of months I've thought about writing on a number of subjects but after thinking about them for a couple of days I've either decided that they are too similar to what I've written in the past or too crazy to share with a critical audience of friends and relatives. Maybe I'm thinking too much but I'd like to keep these friends and relatives as subscribers. So I've just shut up. Sometimes I think I'd like to write just a paragraph or so almost every day like many bloggers do, but I won't be torturing you with that. You don't need to hear all of my opinions and complaints…no matter how profound or pertinent I know them to be.

Lately I've been depressed about what people are doing in and to our world.  Those of you who have been subject to my rants about our so-called civilization know that I think that we are, in fact and in history, not civilized at all and haven't really learned much of anything since we were hairier and carried clubs.  Based on that thinking I shouldn't let any of this get me down.  But it does. We could be so much better. Sorry about that.

Today I listened to some old Bob Dylan albums. I haven't listened to him in quite a while and it hit home again, as it always does, why he was so worshiped by us all when we were young. He had a lot to say and he said it so well. Unfortunately, what he said back in the 1960's is even more relevant today.

Bear with me. Below are the lyrics from one of the songs from his "Times They are a Changin'" album. I hear lots of fearful people talk and see the hatred growing towards the "other" in this country. It makes me sad.  BTW: We need congress to make a new law about sending our troops into "conflicts" or war:  "The only votes counted as valid will be made by those members who have military age sons or daughters who will then serve as combat troops in the front lines of said prospective conflict or war."

With God on Our Side

Oh my name it ain't nothin', my age it means less
. The country I come from is called the Midwest
. I was taught and brought up there, all the laws to abide. 
And that land that I live in has God on its side.

Oh the history books tell it, they tell it so well
. The cavalries charged and the Indians fell
. The cavalries charged and the Indians died. Oh the country was young with God on its side.

Oh the Spanish-American war had its day. 
And the civil war too was soon laid away
. And the names of the heroes I was made to memorize
. With guns in their hands and God on their side.

The first world war, boys, it came and it went
. The reason for fighting I never could get
. But I learned to accept it, accept it with pride
. Now you don't count the dead when God's on your side.

When the Second World War came to an end, we forgave the Germans and then we were friends. Though they murdered six million in the ovens they fried, the Germans now too have God on their side.

I've learned to hate Russians all through my whole life. If another war comes it's them we must fight. To hate them and fear them, to run and to hide, and accept it all bravely with God on my side.

But now we got weapons of a chemical dust
. If fire 'em we're forced to then fire them we must
. One push of the button and a shot the world wide. 
And you never ask questions when God's on your side.

In a many dark hour I've been thinkin' about this. 
That Jesus Christ was betrayed by a kiss. 
But I can't think for you, you'll have to decide
, whether Judas Iscariot had God on his side

So now as I'm leavin', I'm weary as hell. 
The confusion I'm feelin' ain't no tongue can tell. 
The words fill my head and they fall to the floor
, and if God's on our side, He'll stop the next war.

***

© Steve Stewart and SeeNextRock, 2014 Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Steve Stewart and SeeNextRock with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

YOU may be old. I'M not

Please don’t e-mail me jokes or cartoons about getting older or being a senior citizen.  I am not old.  If I see the words “old” or “senior” in your subject line, I’m deleting it.

“Come on!” you say, “Just look at the picture on your drivers license!  Tell me that what you see is not the perfect portrait of a typical dirty old man!”

Hey now hold on there a minute buddy!  I may be agreeably “dirty” but again, I am not old.  Yes, I may look old to you and I do admit that when I look at my drivers’ license I see someone who might be physically described as a youngish geezer.  But trust me when I say this:  what you are looking at is just an illusion, a mirage, a trick of your imagination.  You are not seeing me.  You’re just seeing my ride.

“Oh just grow up!”  you say, arms wheeling above your head in exasperation.

Grow up?  Please.  What does “grown up” mean to you?  Realistic?  Experienced?  Kind? Wise?  Worldly?  Knowledgeable?  I am all of those things… sometimes.  But by “growing up” I think many people mean something else entirely.  When you were young how did some of those “adults” appear to you?  Sit back and think about it for a few minutes.  What words would you use to describe a good many of them?  How about these:  Disillusioned.  Skeptical.  Resentful.  Envious.  Miserly.  Intolerant.  Sour.  If these words describe an “adult” please leave me out.  Do you want to be one of them?

Now I see your temperature rising:  “What about your body?  Can’t you see that physically you are deteriorating?  As it is I have to speak to you in a loud voice and hope you are reading my lips because your hearing sucks!  And if I ride in a car with you for a couple of hours you complain that your butt hurts and you creak and groan when you get out!   I find these things annoying.  In fact, YOU are annoying!  BALD ASSHOLE!”

Whoa!  Chill-out dude!  Now who’s the old fart?  Of course I know my body is starting to fall apart.  Everything organic comes into being, changes, breaks down, turns to dust.  It’s the way of this world.  Everything is either growing or dissolving and nothing is ever the same from moment to moment.  Nothing!  Except for this:  what I am.  Or, perhaps put more succinctly, what I am not.  Comprende?

So go ahead, don’t see people as they really are.  Generalize and label them as “old” if they are graying, using a walker, hard of hearing, vision impaired, limping, stooped.  See yourself as one of “them”.  If you don’t know who you are you will become what you think.  Just don’t try to take me with you by sending me those e-mails.  I’m never growing up and will never be old.  And from now on think of me as a mint 1947 Chevy...Sport Coupe.

***

P.S.  You can send me the really really funny ones though.

1947 Chevy Sport Coupe:  http://www.barrett-jackson.com/application/onlinesubmission/lotdetails.aspx?ln=153&aid=263

© Steve Stewart and SeeNextRock, 2013 Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Steve Stewart and SeeNextRock with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Rant #3

Some things and some people drive me crazy.  Here are three examples:

1.  People who think they are better than you because they are early risers

"What time did you get up today?"  Amazingly, I hear this question often and when I answer they say: "Eight o'clock?  The day is half gone by then!"  No people, it's not.  So I ask them what time they go to bed and I usually hear:  "Oh, about nine...maybe 9:30."  What?  Ridiculous!  You were put to bed that early as a child!  Still hearing mommy and daddy in your head are you?  True, they are going to bed at that time now if they are still around...because they are old!  Are you eating dinner at four thirty too?  "Well" you say sheepishly, "I do get up at 5:00 AM."  You've got to be kidding me!  How is getting up in the dark a good thing?  So you're up early.  Who cares?  If you get up before dawn you're either milking the cow or going to some god-awful job.  Personally, I am rarely asleep before before 1:00 AM.  That's early enough for a civilized person.  You're missing a lot in life you know.  Do you realize that most personal fun happens after the sun goes down?  It does when you're young anyway.  Hey Grandpa:  getting up early doesn't make you better than me.  Face it, there are only three reasons to rise before dawn:  golf, fishing, or that other reason.

2.  Giant dripping sloppy sandwiches from hell

Recently I ordered, in a popular restaurant, a hamburger.  This hamburger had a lot going for it:
a generous portion of perfectly cooked ground beef, a thick slice of good cheddar cheese, ripe tomato, mild onion, apple wood smoked bacon, spicy guacamole, and butter lettuce topped off with a chipotle chili infused sauce.  Delicious.  However, it couldn't be eaten as a sandwich.  It was too thick and sloppy.  A hamburger is supposed to be a sandwich, held in your hands.  I have been accused of having a big mouth when discussing politics but it was not getting around this monstrosity.  That chili infused sauce and guacamole dripped and slopped all over my shirt and pants.  Finally, I gave up and used a knife and fork.  This is just wrong people!  It's an outrage, really!  And please, don't get me started on those colossal deli sandwiches consisting of five inches meat between two slices of bread.  I have to remove four of these inches just to get it between by jaws!  What a waste.  Get real restaurateurs!  Sandwiches were invented so that people could eat conveniently.  No knives, forks or spoons needed.  Here is what Wikipedia says about them:  "Initially perceived as food men shared while gaming and drinking at night, the sandwich slowly began appearing in polite society as a late-night meal among the aristocracy."

Please note the phrase above:  "food men shared while gaming and drinking at night".  Early riser, you missed all the fun because you were in bed already...probably dressed in your "Little Engine That Could" pajamas.  Get a life.  Be a man.  Loser.

3.  People who don't like cats

These are usually dog lovers.  Now don't get me wrong, I do like dogs.  I especially like other peoples dogs.  You see, dogs are lots of work and I don't really want to have a pet that makes me work.  Dogs can't even bathe themselves for gosh sakes, and they're always at your knees looking for attention and slobbering all over your pants!  They are so dependent.  If I had wanted more kids I would have had them.  "Well" you say, "you can't take your cat for a walk."  You are correct.  I can't really do that.  Nor do I want to.  You won't see me with my cat on a leash walking around the block and carrying a little plastic bag of cat shit.  Nope.  And dogs want to lick you all the time too!  This licking wouldn't be so bad but please, your dog just licked his gonads and now he's licking your lips!  It's gross.  Oh, and I've never had a cat hump my leg.  That's a dog thing.  What's wrong with you people?  Weirdos.

4.  People who don't think farts are funny

Come on.  They're hilarious!  Here's a good example:  You are well known by your family to be a prodigious farter.  After your gigantic Thanksgiving meal you all move to the den to watch your Cowboys get annihilated by the Forty Niners.  Fido is lying peacefully at your feet.  You squeeze out a silent one.  No one would notice if it had no fragrance but his one does and every head turns your way.  You purse your nose, look down and say in a loud voice:  "Bad dog Fido!"

Tell me that's not funny!  Here's another:  You are meeting a potential business client for the first time.  Something you've eaten earlier in the day though has given you a giant butt-load of gas.  You're desperately trying hold this in.  You stick out your hand and introduce yourself.  The second your hands touch a resounding fart escapes your pants.  This is quite embarrassing for both of you and unfortunately, you just lost this client...forever.  Seriously, if you saw this happen to someone else you would be telling this story to your friends and you'd all be crying and rolling on the floor with laughter.  If you don't think farts are funny then maybe you think bodily functions are "dirty".  My guess is that you don't even think Fidos' farts are funny either.  I don't blame you for that though.  Nothing stinks more than dog farts.

***

As an aside:

My cat Jasper has been training me for years to participate in certain of his rituals and he communicates clearly when he wants something from me or desires to give me some attention.  It's good to be wanted...and loved.  Cats don't love everyone though.  If you want your cat to love you that love must be earned.  Cats are intelligent and sensitive animals with very sharp teeth and claws.  If they see in your eyes that you don't care about their well being they will not be your friends and they will mess you up.  These last few weeks Jasper has been training me to pet him when my alarm goes off before dawn. (8:00 AM of course.)  Jasper is nine years old now but this is new behavior.  When he hears my alarm go off he jumps up on the bed, walks over my body a few times and nuzzles my hand with his head.  If I ignore him he will snub me the rest of the day.  Dogs now, they'll love you no matter what...mostly.  I love this old joke about dogs:

Q:  How can you prove that a dog is truly a man's best friend?  A:  Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.  When you open the trunk, who is happy to see you?

***

Another fun fact from Wikipedia:  "During the Middle Ages in Europe, thick slabs of coarse and usually stale bread, called "trenchers", were used as plates.  After a meal, the food-soaked trencher was fed to a dog or to beggars at the the tables of the wealthy, and eaten by diners in more modest circumstances.  Trenchers were the precursors of open-face sandwiches."

Remember this next time you visit Denmark.

***

References:

Sandwiches:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sandwich

Dog Owners:  

Repeat the below sentence as fast as you can ten times each day after meals:

Fidos' farts are funny.

***

© Steve Stewart and SeeNextRock, 2013 Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Steve Stewart and SeeNextRock with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.